I Went to See Stewart Lee

December 30, 2009

Me and my missus went to see Stewart Lee’s stand up show last night at the Leicester Square Theatre.

We were sitting in seats B17 and B18. We were sitting next to each other because we’re married.

We’d got to the venue rather early but were happy to get out of the rain, sit down and have a swift beer. A few minutes later a woman came up to us and said “seats 17 and 18 yeah?” “Yeah” said I. She seemed satisfied with this answer and walked off.

OK, that was weird.

About five minutes later a bald bloke wearing glasses and a suit came up to me with the woman from earlier silently standing next to him. I think I could guess where this was going. “Excuse me could I see your tickets?” “No problem” said I and handed them over. “I just need to check these out, I’ll be back shortly” said baldy.

And off they both went. With my tickets.

It then immediately struck me that I had just assumed that baldy-glasses-suit man was the manager of the theatre. I’d based this entirely on the fact that he looked how I imagined a theatre manager to look.

It then struck me that I had been the victim of an ingenious scam. Immediately my keen brain worked out their modus operandi:

  • Two scammers entered the theatre using genuine tickets. One of these scammers looked like a theatre manager (remember: bald, glasses, suit)
  • The scammers then selected a couple of mugs in plum seats near the front (ie. me and the wife).
  • The “manager” then approached one of us asking for our tickets. He then walked off with them.
  • What would happen next is the female scammer would take those tickets to the real theatre manager and get him to eject us.
  • The scammers would now have prime seats.
  • Not only that: they also have two more tickets which they can pass to someone else (via the toilet window, smoking area, etc)

The pair had clearly come up with a genius scam however I was prepared. I still had a print out of my ticket reservation!

Ha! Take that scammers!

At this point the scammers must have lost their nerve and realised they were dealing with a superior intellect. The so-called “manager” returned my tickets to me.

I don’t mind telling you, I felt very smug indeed.

So kids, what we’ve learnt today is that you should always hold on to your receipt.

Weirdly the only two empty seats in the house were directly in front of us – A17 and A18. Later on Stewart Lee stood on those seats to shout at the audience. So I guess they were left empty on purpose.

Still it was a odd experience having the purple head of Stewart Lee off the telly shouting directly over me.

I have to say that Leicester Square and Picadilly Circus get worse and worse every year. It is almost indistinguishable from Blackpool except it doesn’t have a nice beach, it doesn’t have a nice tower, it doesn’t have those lovely trams. It’s full of gaudy hucksterish attractions and grubby burger bars horribly illuminated by flashing adverts for televisions and coke (the two things that have made Britain what it is today: obese and stupid).

Having said that I can’t mock my fellow countrymen for being stupid when so many of the tourists that populate LS and PC seem so monumentally thick. This shouldn’t be surprising: any tourist who thinks that gawping at bright flashing lights through the window of a TFI Friday is a satisfactory way to spend one’s holiday is unlikely to be a philosopher.

These cretins seem to be incapable of understanding how traffic lights work. They don’t understand that if they and their friends stop walking on a busy pavement then no else can get past them. They don’t seem to understand that if they stop at the top of an escalator they’re likely to cause an accident.

They’re like stupid cattle you’re not allowed to kill

* grumble grumble *

I just hope they’re spending lots of money…..

Anyway I think I’ll stop there before this whole post becomes a great big cliché. Go and see Stewart Lee.


2 Responses to “I Went to See Stewart Lee”

  1. Martin Witts Says:


    Martin Witts owner of the Theatre here.

    I trust you enjoyed Stewart Lee last night!

    The Bald man with Glasses in question is the Front of House Mangager. I have asked him to email me an explanation as your blog has ben picked up by the Producers who also require an explanation.

    We will come back to you,

    Kind Regards


  2. barkingstars Says:

    Hi Martin,

    I do hope you’ll personally ensure that the bald man gets a spanking. On his botty.


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