MPs Expenses: I apologise for the late arrival of this article

July 6, 2009

The controversy about MPs expenses has taught me something: the difference between ethics and morals

An ethical man knows he shouldn’t sleep with the aupair
A moral man wouldn’t sleep with the aupair
An MP doesn’t care who fucks the aupair as long as someone else pays her wages

Recently the House of Commons has published MPs expenses in the most half-arsed way imaginable.  They’d been almost entirely obscured by black squares.  In fact they had more black squares than the Nigerian Linux Users Group.

The expenses scandal, and the denials that followed, showed us just how out of touch MPs are.  Most people experience of expenses is probably more like mine.  I remember I once got into an argument with an accountant about my expenses because he said it was against company policy to reimburse me for alcohol.  I suggested that a beef and ale pie wasn’t really alcohol.  Further, I said, if I tried to get drunk on pies I’d probably die of clogged arteries before I got tipsy.  He got annoyed and swore at me with an upside down calculator.  Bloody accountants – poor social skills.

A lot of attention was given in the expenses scandal to moats and duck houses however I was most stunned by how Gerald Kaufman managed to spend £8000 on a television.  That is totally mind boggling to me.  I didn’t even know you could spend that much on a telly.  I imagine it must be a special telly that gives the user an experience similar to Alice Through the Looking Glass: the viewer can step through the screen and join in the action on screen.  I bet Kaufman would watch the news channels waiting for himself to appear so he could step through the screen and snog himself.  If he had a long boring speech on BBC Parliament he could step through the screen, stand next to himself and toss himself off.

If you toss off a clone of yourself is that still onanism?  If you have a wank and get it wrong is that eronanism?

Anyway, I digress.

Do you remember when you were a kid and you heard the story about the genie in the lamp?  You’d all ask each other what you’d do with your three wishes and eventually some smart arse would say they would wish for more wishes.  I’m surprised the MPs didn’t do this.  An MP could employ themselves as their own assistant.  Brilliant!  An extra salary!  But it gets better: they could now claim expenses!  They could claim expenses as an employee of themselves on their expenses!  Come on – that’s evil fucking genius!  And if an idiot like me with meagre intelligence can come up with that plan what the hell have our MPs been doing?

I think they’ve displayed a total lack of ambition.


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